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Thursday, December 06 2018 09:02

Avocado: The Fruit of Evil that Plagues America

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The other day, my wife and I were shopping at Mariano's with our girls and she said "Look, they have a guacamole bar." Puzzled, I asked why she would point out such a thing to me? After all, she's been living with me for 21 years and knows how much I despise the avocado. "Some people like it," she said. Still, I was surprised that this would be a point of interest - especially since I can't recall ever seeing my wife consume any avocado-based food items, so my curiosity shifted to concern: is it possible that the avocado mafia (perhaps those "Avocados from Mexico" people) had gotten to her?

Until a few years ago, the avocado was an afterthought - but one that I was aware of enough that I would ask for "no guacamole" when ordering burritos. When I thought of "guac," I wasn't even thinking of "avocado" specifically - just the horrible taste and texture of that creamy, sometimes lumpy, boogery, slimy goo that I would occasionally have the misfortune of biting into if a dab was placed somewhere within an otherwise delicious wrap of meats and veggies.  But then I tried eating an actual avocado during a sit-down meal at a restaurant. It was one of the greatest mistakes I've ever made in life.

I've never eaten actual garbage, but I've always imagined that the taste would be akin to that of an avocado... but perhaps even better. And inside the avocado it appeared as if a single testicle had been hidden.

From that moment (sometime around 2012-2013), I've been followed by the avocado people. They're everywhere. When I'm in line ordering food at LAX, there's always someone ordering avocado toast. When I go out for a burger, (even here in Illinois) there's always a picture of some delicious slab of meat that's been utterly adulterated with a slice of avocado on top. My inner monologue sounds like Lewis Black as the voice of Anger in Disney•Pixar's Inside Out - specifically when he says, "Congratulations, San Francisco! You've ruined pizza!"

And some actually have ruined pizza with avocado. The California Avocado Commission (this is a thing) actually has a recipe for it, and I'm not spreading the plague by linking to it. It's an offense to all that is pure when it comes to pizza.

Down with the green garbage! The avocado is an evil fruit.

--- Old Crankypants, December 2018

#KeepItGuacFree #GuacFreeForMe

James Zahn

James Zahn is not a journalist, nor a blogger, though he may be credited as such by others, or even accept the title... depending on the circumstance.  Instead, he considers himself largely to be an "entertainment and lifestyle writer," bringing 25+ years of experience in the entertainment and publishing industries into the family realm as THE ROCK FATHER™.

As a media personality, commentator, adventurer and raconteur, James now finds himself raising a pair young girls - The Rock Daughters™ - along with his wife from their Illinois home.

He is a member of The Toy Insider Parent Advisory Board, has contributed to The Toy Book and writes a regular Star Wars column - Transmissions from a Galaxy Far, Far Away for The Pop Insider. He also regularly serves as a Brand Ambassador and spokesperson for several Globally-recognized pop culture and lifestyle brands in addition to consulting for a number of toy manufacturers. 

Creatively, James has directed/edited music videos, lyric videos, and album trailers for bands such as FEAR FACTORY, has appeared as an actor in feature films and commercials, written comic books, and performed in bands. He currently serves as an artist manager and video director for PRODUCT OF HATE, whose debut album was released by Napalm Records in 2016, distributed by ADA/Warner Music in the U.S. with Universal Music handling global.

James and/or his work have been featured in/on CNN, FOX Business, NBC, ABC, WGN, G4, The Chicago Tribune, BusinessWire, Babble, Fangoria, Starlog and more. He's appeared as a music expert on CNN's AC360 alongside Anderson Cooper, and has been interviewed by Larry King. In the past he served as a writer for the Netflix Stream Team,  Fandango Family and PBS KIDS, penned articles for Sprout and PopSugar, and was a contributor to Chicago Parent.

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