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adm jatwAh the holidays… the perfect time to gather with friends and family to curl up on the couch for a viewing of the perennial Christmas classic, JINGLE ALL THE WAY. As Black Friday proved again this year, few things represent Christmas in America as well as chasing through crowds of shoppers to kick some ass in the name of a good deal and a bad-ass toy. Just like Turbo Man.

When AS I LAY DYING frontman Tim Lambesis first partnered with Ahhnold for 2008’s A VERY BRUTAL CHRISTMAS, he stated that he couldn’t come up with a song that would ”bring justice” to the ”masterpiece JINGLE ALL THE WAY.”  Three years later, AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE is back with a new EP that not only borrows the title of the film, but brings justice to it three-fold.

I’m Not A Pervert! is a thunderous telling of the scene in which Howard Langston (Schwarzenegger) finds himself facing off against a child over a numbered ball used for a toy store “lottery” in hopes of scoring the elusive Turbo Man doll. 

It’s Turbo Time! salutes the mighty Turbo Man by using his signature phrase as a call to arms for listeners and children alike. There’s a hardcore breakdown around the 1:10 mark that will send the elves into a solid bounce just before a scolding from Ahhnold forces a frenzied guitar solo that should easily help ignite the circle pits.

Who Told You You Could Eat My Cookies? re-appears from 2009’s DOUBLE BRUTAL to close out the set with an ode to the smackdown issued to the late Phil Hartman as Ted Maltin – a sly neighbor with the hots for Arnie’s on-screen wife (played by Rita Wilson) and a taste for her delicious baked goods.

If AUSTRIAN DEATH MACHINE isn’t your bag, chances are you’re a girly man. If not and you still don’t dig ’em? Well, then Santa’s gonna drop a big load of reindeer shit in your stocking. JINGLE ALL THE WAY rules.

Rating: 4/5 Stars

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