This article is more than 9 years old and may not have been updated since our last site redesign. It may contain outdated information or could be missing images.

“Hipsters and Movember killed The Mustache Movement.” I tweeted that statement on January 12, 2013 after seeing yet another baby product cross my path emblazoned with a mustache (or “moustache” for the extra-hip folk). I’m tired of seeing mustaches added to random crap, especially baby products. It’s not funny or cute. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was pumping gas (into my own car for those of you that might assume I work at a gas station) when I noticed a pair of young hipster girls driving a mid-90s import with a large, magnetic mustache on the very front of it’s dented grey hood. I bet they think it’s just so clever and funny to have a car with a mustache. Sure, I could go on and joke about the DUI that they probably got after slamming PBR or Schlitz or whatever after the fun. concert (or that band with the drummer that’s a big fan of JUSTIN BIEBER… ah yes, THE BLACK KEYS) that night, but as a parent, that would just be mean. [Note: My wife appeared over my shoulder just moments ago and called me “Old Crankypants” or something for writing this.]

FR0044You see, a mustache used to be something special that could only be properly worn by certain distinguished members of society… men like TOM SELLECK (MAGNUM P.I.), BURT REYNOLDS (SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT), LES CLAYPOOL (PRIMUS), HULK HOGAN or ME (pictured right). 

Now, a mustache is just a joke that’s not funny. Put a baby in the mix and it’s just plain wrong.

{source}

{/source}

That music video above? Three years old. Mustaches and babies? Not a new thing. No longer (if ever) funny. Yet people think it’s hilarious that you can still buy a pacifier with a mustache on it (those same people will still be trying to wean their babies from said pacifier when they’re four), or a t-shirt, onesie, pair of shoes, diaper, bib, etc.  
I wrote something back in 2011 where I mentioned not participating in Movember, and someone gave me some crap about “not being supportive of Men’s Health.” Listen, it’s a fine magazine, really. The guy at GNC even gave me a copy of the issue with Marky Mark Wahlberg on it last year. I just don’t want a mustache involved [Ed Note: As of November 2013, THE ROCK FATHER has changed his opinion of Movember, and is participating in-full!]. As of this writing, I have about an eight-inch goatee. It comes with hazards, like being a highly enticing object just right for a baby to latch onto and pull with all of their might, but my loyalty in facial hair rests solely with the bottom goatee. If said styling becomes widely adopted by a movement such as Goatober or something, I may reconsider.

–Old Crankypants aka THE ROCK FATHER out!