“Why Can’t I Get My Oldest Daughter to Eat Pizza?” This is a question that haunts and baffles me as a parent. I’ve long held that Pizza is the perfect food – a dish that can include all the possible food groups in one, tasty, disc. I can’t get Addie to try it, and that saddens me. I mean, she wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese’s, but won’t touch the pizza. Regardless, The Rock Father is a Pizza Snob… or maybe a Pizza Gangster. Not quite like Pizza the Hutt in Mel Brooks’ SPACEBALLS, but I know what I like. It’s probably partially due to my Chicago-area upbringing, but I’m pretty discriminating in my pizza preferences, and that means discounting even some of Chicago’s “famous” places as being overrated and not that good. I take the battle to the frozen food aisle as well.
Two nights ago, I made a stop at Jewel-Osco for a specific type of Seltzer Water that only they carry (and my wife loves). Since my local Jewel is out of it 9 times out of 10 (seriously, multi-year issue with this), I hit another store, and in passing the frozen pizza section, happened upon a bunker of pizzas I’d never heard of: SCREAMIN’ SICILIAN. Touting themselves as “The Boldest and Bestest Frozen Pizza in the Whole Damn World,” I had to investigate this claim for myself. I’m known for disputing places that claim “The Best” or “World Famous” in their advertising, but I have to say I was grabbed by the striking art design of the SCREAMIN’ SICILIAN packaging. I also appreciated the Mafia-style description of the “Mambo Italiano” pizza. And with that, Mr. Dean Martin:
As a busy Dad that enjoys fine meats and cheeses, I couldn’t pass up the mozzarella topped with “rough-chopped” pepperoni and meatballs. Actually, here’s the Mobbed-up official description straight from the SCREAMIN’ SICILIAN box…
Mambo Italiano – Box Description
“This is the pizza to take with you when you’re going to the mattresses. We call it the Mambo Italiano. Our thick and chunky secret-recipe, small-batch tomato sauce rides shotgun on a stone-fired artisan crust. And, that crust is made from individually rolled tender balls of dough to create a foundation that could bring Mama to tears. Then we “badda bing, badda boom” this pie with ridiculous amounts of whole milk mozzarella smuggled in, excuse me I mean purchased, from Wisconsin.
We know people in the cheese business if you know what I mean. Before you even know what hit you, we pull out the big guns – rough-chopped, thick-cut pepperoni and huge, mouthwatering Italian meatballs that throw a bag over your taste buds and go to town on them.
We’re not saying that this pizza can guarantee your personal safety or prevent your business from burning down, we’re just saying you should eat this pizza.”
The Verdict: The Pizza is good. I don’t know that I’d call it “best in the world” for a frozen pie, but it’s up there with Home Run Inn (by far my favorite) as a top shelf offering for sure, and one that justifies it’s higher-end price tag ($9). The crust was just right, and I dug the taste of the meatballs thrown in. Speaking of the meatballs, I did space them out prior to cooking. Will I give it another shot? Absolutely, and I’ve already got a “Bessie’s Revenge” waiting in the freezer. With five varieties available, I may have to sample them all. I’m always looking for new, quick-and-easy meals to make while I’m chasing the girls around the house during the day.
The One Problem: I have a serious issue with mustaches… specifically the ongoing hipster plague that continues slapping old-timey mustaches on products left and right. SCREAMIN’ SICILIAN includes a punch-out mustache on the back of their boxes. Absolutely terrifying. Just stop it with the ‘staches, people.
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